There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize