I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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