I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
