I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
