i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
