I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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