well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
