he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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