Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
