He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
