the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I need moral support for this bender
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
