I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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