So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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