Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
