I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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