butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
