i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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