Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
