You really coming over, don't trick.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
