dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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