you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
