Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Everything about him screamed your future.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
