Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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