I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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