This dress was meant to end up on your floor
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
