I faked an abortion last night.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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