Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
