I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
