Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
