i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
