Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
