i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
