I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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