I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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