We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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