that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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