She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
