Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize