"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just sent this text using only my big toe
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize