I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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