It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
