finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize