He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize