I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
