if i can run in heels then i can drive
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
