Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
There r osticjed everywhere
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
