he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Randomize
