Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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