Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The best revenge is premature balding
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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