Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
