i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
he thought i was a dude.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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