i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
