my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
