Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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